The best part of my day is now over. It's that first golden hour where I can avoid even the pretence of work by pretending I'm going through emails, organising my desk and shuffling important looking piles of papers, when really I'm reading about UFO sightings, thinking of a suitably witty and droll facebook status and warming up my bowels for my 9 o'clock poo. My boss has yet to arrive, the office is half empty and if I'm lucky I can go on a trip to the kitchen and find it, with luck and tactical timing, empty. This is vital, for there is nothing that makes the bile bubble up inside my stomach more than the utterly pointless routine of 'kitchen banter'. I'm sure for some people this is a socially agreeable and light-hearted event which they probably look forward to and enjoy. Well good for them, even Ted Bundy had social skills and look how he turned out with all his sexy crimes.
I'm not good at the kitchen banter, or indeed small talk in general. In fact my social skills are generally appalling and my first impressions are even worse and this, coupled with an accent which makes me sound like plums are being shovelled into my mouth with a silver spoon, create a powerful and lasting impression of a dickhead. I'm not denying that I am a dickhead, I just wish people could find it out over time in a more rewarding manner. Anyhow most of kitchen conversations tend to go thusly...
Them: Morning!
Me: Grawkssh!
Them: ….
The reason behind this guttural and inhuman exclamation of mine is that unless I'm anticipating talking to someone my throat inexplicably fills with phlegm and I end up sounding like a cum gargling Wookie with a bad cold. Now that might have it's place in a tastefully filmed Star Wars porn parody (probably set on Hoth due to the Wookie's cold), but not in the high flying world of whatever it is I do for a living.
Wait…I just realised something. Why would a Wookie which is from the tropical planet Kashyyyk, evolve such thick fur for what is obviously a warm and humid climate? They'd be well suited to a planet like Hoth, perhaps with the addition of some vascularised fat for heat retention, but seem poorly suited for a planet like Kashyyk. Oh Lucas, you just can't stop fucking it up can you?
Now I've lost my thread and my mind is full of Star Wars and Sc-Fi. I can't finish my initial point now without constantly making sci-fi references, which is actually kind of agreeable to me. Whilst we're on the subject (I'm saying we to make you feel included, but really I'm on the subject) I should mention that I recently bought the Dune Trilogy. All three books within one giant tome, my thousand pages of sci-fi mark me out as the most powerful geek on the commute. Oh how the balding man with his well thumbed Harry Potter cowered in front of my magnificent book. Many trees died a virtuous death for such literature, not like the millions who were slaughtered to make those Vampiric abortions of the Twilight novels so sexless women in their 40's and naive teens can live out fantasies of a love that doesn't exist.
Isn't Edward Cullen supposed to be several hundred years old? So essentially he's a jailbait hunting super paedophile. A more literal interpretation of the story would probably make a hell of a graphic novel. You might have guessed that no, I haven't read the books or seen the films, but then again I haven't read Mein Kampf but I know that it contains a load of shit. Will the Twilight series be as harmful to humanity as Mein Kampf? Well, only time will tell (though it's definitely a yes)
- Things I learnt writing this aimless piece of crap. Spellcheck doesn't include a single Star Wars related word. No Hoth, no Kashyyyk, not even a Wookie. Sort it out Microsoft, remember your target audience.
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