The story behind the Korean shelling

Much to my excitement I notice that North Korea is extending it's current bout of naughtiness by shelling the crap out of a South Korean island, a move I suspect to have been planned by British republicans to push the latest news on Will and Kate's engagement down to second place.

The shelling is the latest in a long line of childish spats between the two sides which have rumbled on since the Korean War and have involved everything from commandoes carrying out crazed suicide missions to assassinate the South Korean President(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_House_Raid#The_Blue_House_Raid), to the more bizarre 'Axe Murder' incident where North Korean soldiers took offence at the trimming of a Poplar tree and went all axe happy on the US soldiers with some ninja style karate thrown into the mix for good measure (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axe_murder_incident)


The current fuss seems to have been started by a South Korean Military exercise in disputed territorial waters but really North Korea is such a bizarre, arcane place that it could really could mean anything, from some unfathomable internal jostling for power to a show of strength regarding nuclear and aid sanctions or maybe just an attempt to gain some attention to gain concessions. If the latter was true though it's rather extreme, as it's attempts to gain attention have meant sluttishly showing off it's shiny new nuclear facilities, sinking a South Korean warship and shelling a military base, a strategy which has left 50 dead and would be like me beating my brother to death with his favourite toy to gain attention from my parents (maybe if I had everything would have been different, eh mother?)

Freudian nonsense aside this latest incident has resulted in some great footage on the BBC website of people running away as explosions tear apart the buildings behind them, though initial examination of the shots have disappointingly revealed no one running in slow motion, helplessly crying 'Noooooooo'.

However there's still time for all that if the North's traditional and highly entertaining rhetoric is anything to go by. Sounding madder than the condensed insanity of a dozen Bond villains they issued this statement, written in blood upon the beaches of Inchon ,"we will continue to make merciless military attacks with no hesitation if the South Korean enemy dares to invade our sea territory by 0.001mm", said their State run news agency aggressively asserting their independence by using the Metric system instead of the US imperial measurement of 0.03937 in.
"It is our military's traditional response to quell provocative actions with a merciless thunderbolt," they continued, foam dripping from their mouths as they sucked sanely upon a horseshoe. Their reference to a thunderbolt is conclusive evidence that Kim Jong-Il has declared himself to be Zeus, who is as much known for his erotic escapades as for his wrath of heaven role, which will bring a refreshingly sexy feel to any new 6 party peace talks, as he badgers away trying to impregnate people disguised as a Swan or a shower of gold coins.

So as the world holds it's breath and as Kim Jong-Il prepares to rape his way to a new dynasty what can be done to hamper the plans of this almighty Greek god who, for reasons of his own, now possess' the body of an ailing, stroke ridden, dwarf sized Korean man?

 

Well as Zeus's only real weakness was women I would suggest we ship over a few thousand of our comliest maidens to briefly occupy him and his Godly phallus and hopefully sate the rage that burns in his godly heart. Because this is all we can do. You can't kill a God, certainly not the Father of the Gods, Zeus, and his power is more than the combined armies of our puny human world. So we should convert all our churches to Temples of Zeus and start shipping over the hookers and prepare for our lives to be played with like the pawns we are.

Zeus



Kim Jung-il