Brain Felch - From High Fives to Libya

Tired as I am of thinking of amusing and engaging introductions in an attempt to hold your flittering, insect like attention span for a few minutes, I am instead simply going to write and see what spills out. As I walked to work this morning I was thinking vaguely of conflict, or more accurately, conflict resolution. Not on a grand, international scale mind. Sure, if I turned my mind to it I could think of a solution to most world conflicts, but given my attention span (worse even than yours) and general blasé attitude it would probably end up as poorly received as some of histories other ‘solutions’. However conflict resolution on an individual scale is much more achievable thanks to my unique and highly effective new system.

Picture the scene. You’re hanging out at your local pub or identi-kit wanker bar, and, whilst illustrating some hilarious story to your dead eyed friends flail your arms moronically and knock the pint over of some mono-browed, assembly line thug. He instantly swings a punch with his massive, gnarly fist and your brain quickly sends signals to your bladder that it better start pissing your pants as this is your only defence against such terrifying, proletariat aggression. Being the sort of person who reads blogs you have no chance of fighting back and there is no time for reasoning, negotiation or hoping he gets sickened by the sight of your piss covered skinny jeans. What you should do is thrust your hand towards to his, not as a fist, but countered as a high five. His hand will instinctively uncurl from a fist of hate into a palm of party and as you high five, funk music will appear from nowhere and you will start fist bumping and back slapping like brothers. As you moonwalk towards the bar and buy eachother drinks you will be laughing hysterically and whooping wildly, some fighter jets will probably fly overhead streaming brightly coloured smoke and ticker tape will fall magically from the sky. You’ll become the best of friends and go through various hardships and adventures which just strengthen the bond between you. Loyal, sturdy, unbroken, together through life you stand. With tears in your eyes you ask him to be your best man at your forthcoming wedding and he humbly accepts. Then as the day arrives, you stand at the alter, he’s by your side and with a smile hands you the ring and then you smash a chair round his head and stamp on his windpipe because that dude was going to hit you over a spilled pint! What a fucking arsehole

Even Hitler used the high five tactic

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog for the very good reason that I couldn’t be fucked, but in that time a lot has happened. Earthquakes are trendy again, tsunami’s are even trendier (I was into them when they weren’t cool), every Godzilla joke ever made has been given a dusting of and the Arab world has finally decided to rid themselves of corrupt, mainly Western backed dictatorships for what will probably turn out to be new, corrupt, non-Western backed dictatorships. I would be delighted to be proved wrong, but hell, it took us hundreds of years of judicial process and constant reform to get a relatively non-corrupt, Democratic system which we still bitch and moan about all the time, and we expect these guys to get one overnight? But hell, who knows what will happen. Maybe it will all end with a happy ending and drinking lemonade in the park? The Revolution in Egypt was relatively peaceful (thanks to a ‘hand’s off’ approach on behalf of their military) and showed tremendous restraint, it was civically minded and communal and the imagined threat of the Muslim Brotherhood barging in with their 3 step guide for a new caliphate (one of the reasons that Mubarak was backed by the West) has turned out so far to be so much hot air. With luck their elections (planned within the next 6 months) will be peaceful and it can be held up as a template for revolutionary transition in the region.

Unfortunately with the choice between the Egyptian route of reform or the Gaddafi route (there’s 100 ways to spell his surname, I like this one), many countries have chosen the Gaddafi route, which means AK47’s at the ready to gun down all those threatening women and children who dare to want to live under something other than a constant State of Emergency. Thanks to the absurd disparity between Western military might and the Middle East’s it seems that Gaddafi is done for and I’m pretty delighted. The man is a deluded psychotic and I couldn’t care less if he hangs from the lampposts of Tripoli, he’s the perfect example of when a joke stops being funny.

We were all happy to laugh at him with his crazy speeches at the UN, his army of all-female bodyguards dubbed ‘the Amazon’s’ and his attempts to convert specially selected Italian women to Islam through a rambling speech and handing out special Koran’s. He travels the world in his Bedouin tent and has a face so surgically altered he could be Michael Jackson with Elephantitus. He was the clown of the world, until the clown decided  to do some hilarious and entertaining murdering. He still gave his award winning, rambling speeches, blaming the revolution on pill popping, boozed up Al-Qaeda members (those guys get the blame for everything), but we couldn’t laugh as much now as he was actively murdering people in a very visible way.

|Pictured: Sane, rational, leadership

People wouldn’t love Adam Dickface Sandler as much if he murdered people, or maybe they would as Adam Dickface Sandler fans are fuckbrained little idiots, laughing moronically at everything and anything the little grotbag does. I like that in many of his films he has himself playing some type of lothario figure. Got a real firm grasp on reality there eh Adam? Oh look, Rob Schneider’s popped up again, that’s a shock. And hey, he’s playing a racist stereotype, that’s goddamned edgy. I wish I had the time to violently assault all of his fans throughout the world but I just don’t, and they’d probably just counter with a high five anyway

But why intervene in Libya and not the Yemen or Bahrain? Well to be blunt those countries leaderships are Western allies, and important ones regionally, and to threaten military action against an ally, even one which acts brutally, simply isn’t how the game is played. Is the Libyan intervention about Oil? Though the Western business world had re-entered Libya after sanctions ended in 2005, business with Gaddafi’s regime had been characteristically erratic, and the Libyan government had a long record of using their vast oil fields as a powerful negotiation chip. This article written by people more intelligent than myself explains well http://lawandsecurity.foreignpolicyblogs.com/ . So a big fat maybe is about as much as I’m willing to stake right now.

I did start writing a bit here about Adam Dickface Sandler killing Tigers and rubbing them on his genitals, but it wasn’t working and I love Tigers too much to dirty them by association.



My search for 'Tiger mauling Adam Sandler' pictures was disappointing